[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
A leaf blower, but for people.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted