[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.