When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.