Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
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I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.