5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
the last thing a carrot sees
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.