[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut