*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”