Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.