well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
You Might Also Like
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend