Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?