Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna