A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.