im 7 sauces long
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
mood
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
North and South
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Finally! 😈
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.