So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
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Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Remember folks 😂
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book