recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
These 3D printers are insane!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”