Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.