Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Sharon, call the vet
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”