Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
happy mother’s day❤️
same vibe as tangled headphones
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.