A roof is a house hat.
You Might Also Like
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
A Short Story.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear