Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.