*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
what it’s like dating me:
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.