[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m already scared
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?