Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year