“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”