My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.