Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.