Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
he looks great for his age
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”