When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department