me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go