All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My kitchen overserved me.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
😜
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.