I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
You Might Also Like
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Holy shit he’s back
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.