the official breakfast of 2021
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Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.