The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.