Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Rooting for the overdog
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
That 👊
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.