Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.