Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Succinctly put.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
But wait…
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls