Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL