U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
No, YOUR illiterate.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??