message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story