[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My Sentiments Exactly
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us