I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.