To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”