The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.