“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*