Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.