I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You Might Also Like
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Ion see the issue
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
mathematically impossible
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned