me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.