Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle