“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Thursday Thought.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Mornin. * use accordingly
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Rambo Rambow