“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie